Below is a real-time review of The Twilight Saga: New Moon:

9:36am
I just woke up on this beautiful Sunday morning.  Such potential.  What shall i do today?

9:37am
Nevermind, just realized I've been recruited to see New Moon today.  Thank God my girlfriend elected to go to a 12:30 showing.  Most teenage girls are still in church at that time aren't they?

11:04 to 11:27am
I pack a snack.  This consists of going to Dunkin' Donuts only to find out my local branch has discontinued the pumpkin flavored coffee.  An omen for sure.  I get regular.  My snack also includes the eighth of a sandwich I decided to not eat the night before.

11:34am

I start to take a late shower.  I'm hoping to drown myself.  Either that or maybe stay in here long enough to miss half the movie.

12:02pm
Just arrived at the theater. We are using the free tickets we received from AMC theater's failed showing of The Fourth Kind a week or so ago.  I immediately feel better about my life...

12:04pm
The ticket ripper tells us to wait at the end of a long line because the screen is broken.  We walk to the end of the line.  A ten year-old girl in front of us tells her friend and her mother, "I know EVERY line in this movie."  I immediately feel worse about my life...

12:05pm
If the screen stays broken, maybe we will get more free tickets.  Stay positive.

12:06pm
I suddenly realize the little girl in front of us is full of crap.  Through eavesdropping I find out that this is her first time seeing the movie, but yet she had already stated that she knew EVERY line in the movie.  Can't even begin to imagine the kind of attention she requires at home.

12:08pm
Line starts to move.  They are letting people in.  I feel like the scared gladiator that pissed himself in front of Russell Crowe right before they went out into the arena the first time.  No, better yet, I feel like the solider that puked right in front of Tom Hanks right before my motherland dropped me off on the beaches of Normandy.

12:15pm
The movie is 15 minutes away and already I am bored.  I whip out my homemade sandwich and start to shove it in my mouth by the pound.

12:18pm
Sandwich is gone and my coffee is only a quarter full.  I start to get nervous.  My girlfriend can sense it and tries to pre-empt any thoughts of supplementing my snack with a bag of popcorn.

12:21pm
I'm standing in line for popcorn.  I think my girlfriend finally realizes I'm fat.  I don't bother looking at the prices after the concession chick asks me what I want.  I look up.  $7.50 for a large.  $5.50 for a small.  Take a wild guess what they are charging for a medium.  The size of popcorn I get directly coincides with how much time I want to be distracted for during the movie.  I do not notice her shirt.

12:23pm
I make my way back to my seat with my small popcorn.  I guess I'm too cheap to suffer less.

12:26pm
There is a lady behind us that expresses her concern over the pre-movie features not having any sound.  Her friend ensures her that they are always like that.  She is full of it.

12:31pm
The trailers start without any sound.  I laugh at the woman's friend behind me.  Internally of course.  I recognize the fact that I am outnumbered.

12:38pm

I get my first taste of Robert Pattinson mania.  A trailer comes on (I think it is for this movie) where he looks disheveled and broken down.  All the females hold their breath.  I think they are thinking they are watching a performance of a lifetime.  I hope the movie has a sad ending.

12:52pm
My God is this mother f**ker pale.  His "pale" makeup is so caked on.  Normally I could suspend disbelief in favor of giving it a chance but I can see his tanned skin on his scalp under his hair.

1:01pm
I've been watching this for 14 minutes and there have been three different scenes already that the director felt the need to convey the pain and anguish that these two love birds are going through.  Three, yes.  That's three different background changes.

1:14pm
Kristen Stewart falls off a dirtbike injuring herself.  The females go crazy as Taylor Lautner rips off his shirt to dab her bloody forehead.  Umm.  None of the blood comes off as he is dabbing it?  It is like she has a fruit rollup stuck to her forehead.

1:46pm
OMG.  Did Sam just turn into a dog?  Oh wait, they are supposed to be werewolves.  I think An American Werewolf in Paris did a better job with transformations than this.  Granted, hairy dogs are a heck of a thing to animate, especially with the fur, but we are treading backwards here guys.

1:52pm
Ok.  I liked the interactions between Bella and Jacob and the rest of the werewolf crew after she finds out about them. I'm pretty sure this will be the highlight for me.

1:55pm

I decide that I have to go to the bathroom even though I don't.  I swear I hear someone in a stall cutting themselves because Bella is now with Jacob.  Disturbing thing here is that I'm in the mens bathroom.

2:14pm
Who the hell is Alice and why does Bella keep trying to email her?  I think some basic email training is in order for this girl.  I would think she would know that an "Email Return Service Requested" means a bounce back?  She needs to fall in love with an IT guy more than she needs Edward I think.

2:16pm
Ok. I'm a believer now.  Kristen is the best self loathing actress out there.  Most people who visually show themselves as this messed up inside usually end it by now.  How she carries on I just don't know.  Oh wait, it's fiction.

2:21pm
Nifty overhead shot of a bird flying in slow motion while the vampires race by underneath.  I can appreciate the effort here.

2:24pm
Jacob gets pissed and waits before Bella holds him back before screaming "Don't make me angry" to Edward's sister Alice.  Pretty good line in retrospect.  He can, after all, transform into an angry monster.

2:30pm
My butt is really starting to hurt.  I'm on my eighth weight shift and it just isn't cutting it anymore.

2:34pm
I wish I could get to Italy that fast.

2:35pm
By now I've noticed that my girlfriend hasn't once reached out to hold my hand during this film.  I'm really starting to worry that she actually likes this.

2:38pm

I can't help but think that if I were a female, I would be feeling something right now as Bella crashed into Edward, preventing him from showing himself to the humans.  How I long for an action sequence.  I laugh internally for the second time today. 

2:40pm

Oh yeah!  Here we go.  The vampires are gonna fight.  This is what I've been waiting for.

2:43pm

A couple of stairs break.  I am defeated.

2:47pm
I just heard Edward say, "I don't know how to live without you" for the 32nd time.  No one could possibly be this attached in real life.

2:49pm

A collective gasp is released by the entire female population of our audience, as Edward asks Bella to marry him.  I just decided that free was too much to pay for this experience.

2:50pm
We get up and leave the theater.  It is the highlight of my life.

2:51pm
My girlfriend tells me that she has joined Team Jacob.  I pretended to understand but had no clue what she was talking about until we passed by the concession chick wearing a Team Edward shirt.  It makes sense now, get it?  You join the team of the alpha male you want to win over Bella in the end...get it?  Haha...ugh.  I'm the inaugural member of Team Charlie.  He made me smile a couple times.

2:53pm

I hear little girls talking about how good Dakota Fanning was in this.  Dakota Fanning really?  I didn't even see her in it?  I will be upset if I get home and IMDB her character and find out she was only in it for two minutes.  Actually I won't.  This is how people get sucked into this drama in the first place.

3:05pm
My girlfriend asks me in the car, "So, how did you like it?"  I'm now officially at a cross roads.  I've never lied to her before, but I really don't want to rain on her parade. "I like Charlie," I said.