Welcome to part two of our feature on video game weapons that the world is just simply not ready for.  If you haven’t had the chance to read part one you can check it out here. In this part we will continue to explore the wonderful world of weapons that sound amazing in digital form; but if brought into the real world, would be catastrophic.

I’m also happy to announce that at the conclusion of this feature we have included several recommendations of various reader responses to part one.  These choices were overwhelming favorites that could not go unrecognized.  So without further hesitation, let the destruction continue:

Gibs...its whats for dinner...

Weapon: Cerebral Bore
Game: Turok 2: Seeds of Evil
Why the World isn’t ready: While not necessarily a weapon of mass destruction, the world really isn’t ready to face the ridiculously violent and brutal nature that the Cerebral Bore brings along with it.  It is one thing to watch a homing drill bury itself in a pixilated enemy and splatter brain matter everywhere, but it is a totally different thing to actually get some of that brain matter on your clothes.  We really just can’t have that.  Once the underground gets a hold of this puppy, random acts of cerebral chunking and other blatant, though creative, misuses will definitely ensue.  On a lighter note, I’m all for seeing the Cerebral Bore in the movies though.

Pranks will never be the same.

Weapon: Portals
Game: Portal
Why the World isn’t ready: This is a “weapon” that seems harmless enough when learning to use it for the first time.  One might think it may bring many valuable benefits along with it and for the most part it would be true.  Rather than focusing on how easy travel would be, or how instantaneous matter transference would revolutionize everything we know about the limits of the world, I would rather focus on the jokers on the planet that wouldn’t be able to resist a pair of well placed portals.  The variety of pranks you could play in the bathroom alone would occupy most people’s days.  Even worse, heaven forbid some short tempered fellow gets pissed at a driver that cut them off, and uses their modified portals (for increased diameter) to send the driver’s car flying out of the side of a nearby building to the street below.  I’m sure there would even be a web-site dedicated to style points earned from the most creative uses.  The use of the phrase “Pic or it didn’t happen” would also increase as a result at least one hundred fold.

Honey, can you mow the lawn...

Weapon: Entrencher
Game: Fracture
Why the World isn’t ready: With the exception of an all out nuclear war, this one has the potential to create the most destructive force ever.  Landscapes would be altered and changed at will.  A slew of businesses would crop up specializing in terrain deformation.  People could just raise their houses up in time of flooding or prevent flooding from every occurring in the first place.  As the technology becomes more powerful, laws will arise prohibiting many areas from being deformed.  This will lead to the technology going underground and eventually getting into the wrong hands.  Once this happens, and they figure out a way to over clock this bad boy, nothing…and I mean nothing on the surface of the earth will be safe.

"NO WAY...I GOT YOU FIRST..."

Weapon: Fireball
Game: Super Mario Brothers
Why the World isn’t ready: This one has such a simple premise.  Shoot a fireball out of some orifice on your body.  Sounds kind of cool if used in a controlled environment right?  Wrong.  The problem with using this advanced technique is that there would be no control.  Someone looks at you wrong…you burn their face off.  A neighbor’s tree is coming over onto your lawn…you chuck a fireball at it and burn the tree along with their house down.  A young Drew Barrymore had nothing on what humans could come up with. Are you bored?  Go set something on fire.  Are you sad?  Go set yourself on fire.  Are you happy?  Go accidentally spit a fireball out while laughing, and then go bury your dog backyard later in the day after it had a chance to cool off.  The scariest thought of all is to imagine what people who pretend they have the power to shoot fireballs would do if they actually could shoot fireballs.  On second thought, it would make LARPing more exciting.

As Moses parted the sea...

Weapon: Hand of God
Game: Rise of the Triad: Dark War
Why the World isn’t ready: Holy hell.  No pun intended.  Every since Apogee released this classic, priests everywhere have been trying to figure out how to use this advanced power up in the real world.  If they ever figured out that all they have to do is chant the word “chojin” we would be in serious turmoil (“dipstick” may or maybe not have to be chanted first).  Church goers all over the world would think twice about passing the donation plate on without putting in at least 10% of your paycheck.  As the fear grows so does the priest’s power.  Little do they know that all you have to do to gain invincibility from the Hand of God is to become an atheist.  And don’t worry; it is easier than you think, seeing that all you have to do is shout “TOOSAD” into the heavens above.

"I wonder if it can pull chicks..."

Weapon: Gravity Gun
Game: Half Life 2
Why the World isn’t ready: Here it is folks.  This gun is widely considered to be one of the most badass guns in gaming history.  Although I would concur, it still doesn’t make it a good option to create in the real world.  Forget the pranksters.  Forget the casual construction accidents that would undoubtedly occur.  This thing would be used for evil, plain and simple.  Destruction could happen at any time and in any place.  Bolting down all heavy objects would become government law world wide.  Forget that, people would have to be bolted down.  All hell would break loose.  Even a small gang fight in a suburban area, where each side is armed with powered up Gravity Guns, would end up in the national news.  People being used as shields to protect themselves from other people being hurled at them would become common place.  What were once normal city streets would become junk yard combat zones that would put the Yoda/Dooku battle to shame.  Lets leave this where it belongs…on our screens.  It is too scary to imagine otherwise.

Reader’s Choice Weapons:

Insta-weightloss

Weapon: Morph-o-Ray
Game: Ratchet & Clank
Why we think our readers believe the world isn’t ready: Given Insomniac’s track record with creating inventive weaponry, it is hard not to see why ANY gun from these games should not be realized.  The only exception, perhaps, would be the need to get all the shy kids sidelined at high school dances onto the floor.  Alcohol isn’t “allowed” yet so other means might be necessary.

'I don't need no hole no mo'..."

Weapon: Farsight XR-20
Game: Perfect Dark
Why we think our readers believe the world isn’t ready: This weapon hitting the streets would literally mean the end to any and all safe houses.  Any one is a target, no matter where they are hiding.  Privacy would be a thing of the past.  Forget Big Brother.  Forget the New World Order.  The idea of someone watching me with the capability to kill me while I perform my daily squatting ritual is not only horrifying, it’s down right embarrassing.

"That's not a Donkey...THIS IS A DONKEY"

Weapon: Concrete Donkey
Game: Worms: Armageddon
Why we think our readers believe the world isn’t ready: I owe a big apology to the readers on this one.  In part one, I chose the Banana Bomb from Worms: Armageddon as a weapon that the real world couldn’t handle. However, after thinking about it, the thought of an 80-story tall donkey with a concrete brick attached to it’s feet landing on my head scares the banana’s out of me.  I might stand a chance if I dodge a banana chucked at my head, but there is simply no escaping rapidly descending burro.

That about wraps things up.  In the end, we should be glad these and other video game weapons are in game only.  We need to experience the creative directions our brains take us, but without the consequences.  Hopefully someday virtual reality will take us to a place where we can live our digital destruction fantasies out in greater realism, in the mean time, lets enjoy what we have.

If anyone has additional choices you think should have made the feature, please let me know!  I would have no objection opening the debate back up for revisiting.  After all, envisioning their real world counterparts is where the fun is at!