Yeah...thats a bear trap...

So, a friend turned me on to this game today.  I have to admit, after reading about it for a bit it seemed like it had garnered quite the following, and looking pretty interesting.  In wondering what all the fuss was about I picked it up for twenty bucks (yes, twenty bucks because Microsoft loves the in-between point cards).   A little over 3 hours later…I’m done with it and I’m still not sure if it was worth it.

Yes, the games two-tone style is really easy to look at and smooth as silk.  Yes, the atmosphere is creates is intense, in the face of absolutely no voice work or music.  Yes, the deaths are pretty neat and dynamic.

But it literally takes only 3 hours to finish…

No one said anything about flying spiked balls...

Yes, it is easy to pick up and the controls are simple as can be and mega responsive.  Yes, you get creeped out by silhouettes of children being hung (and already dead).  Yes, the big ass spider is super awesome.

But there is literally no replay value…

Yes, the gravitational alterations are really neat.  Yes, the puzzles are just hard enough to give you the feeling you accomplished something.  Yes the game has absolutely no loading screens and is one long continuous level.  Yes there is absolutely no story and the game is better for it.

But it cost me twenty dollars…

Really, in the end, I guess you have to suck it up and support the little guys.  Only then can we send a message that these are the type of games we want.  We no longer wish our stores be filled with garbage.  Bring on the Alien Swarms…bring on the DeathSpanks…bring on…Limbo…

Just get the pricing right…damn!

Let's take a brief look inside here...

There is a reason hundreds upon thousands of fanboys live and die by Valve.  If anyone had a right to say, we are the company to beat…Valve is that company.  Hands down without question, you treat your people with respect and they will respect you.  Yesterday, those boys (and girls) over at Valve decided to show their appreciation and released the new Unreal Tournament Alien Swarm mod for free over Steam.

Absolutely Free.

It probably sucks right?  Nope.

Granted my friend and I sat down at around 9:30pm and we finished the co-op campaign around 1am, so it is really a pretty short experience, but it was an absolute blast.  This compounded more fun into that brief amount of time than any game in years.  Not only are there seven levels of absolute carnage (with some interactive environments thrown in), but you get to level up and unlock addition weapons and accessories as well.

That was my kill...

This felt like the games of old, playing alongside your friend under tense circumstances.  If you die you are dead and you have to watch your teammate do the best they can.  There is no way you could finish this game without another comrade either, the balance is pretty good in that you have to rely on others for heals and ammo.   You quickly learn to read and understand your teammates needs, and adapt to react to them quickly or…its off to the slow-mo closeup spin death shot for  you.

So, ok whats the catch?  The catch is…they released it with all the game code and source included so the world can mod to its heart’s content.

Wait what?

Yup, the game might be short, but the modding community will continue to support this for years to come with whatever they can think up.

All for the low, unheard of price of…

Free…

Way cooler than The Matrix

Christopher Nolan is a genius.  That’s pretty much the easiest way I can put it.  With a track record of movies like Memento, Batman Begins, The Prestige, and The Dark Knight, it’s hard not to give that guy that title.  But now with Inception, he has cemented himself as the greatest filmmaker working today.  Not only is Inception a masterpiece on every level, but we finally have an original story come out of Hollywood.

I’m not going to sit here and dissect this film for you.  I wouldn’t be doing any of you a favor by outlining the details or plot of the movie as that would just ruin your experience.  I think most of us know the basic setup as Dom Cobb (Leonardo DiCaprio) and his team of dreamweavers are in the business of breaking into people’s subconscious and stealing their deepest, darkest secrets.  This is called extraction.  Well, now they have been hired by a corporate business man named Saito (Ken Watanabe), to break into the mind of the heir of a rival corporation.  But this time not to steal an idea, but to plant one…otherwise known as inception.

From here the movie takes us on a mindbender of a trip through different layers of dreams and we the audience are left questioning what is real and what is a dream.  Not only does Nolan get the audience to use their brains a little bit during this typical “shut your brain off and look at cool effects” summer movie season, but he actually turns Inception into a fantastic heist film with chase scenes, fight scenes, and shootouts.  But it never turns into that typical mindless action thriller.  Yes it has fights and shootouts and spectacular special effects, yet it’s as smart as any film I can remember.  And for that I applaud Nolan.  He knows the audience isn’t as dumb as most movie makers think we are.  Going in, people are probably thinking that Inception is going to be a hard movie to follow, but I found it to be pretty straightforward.  And that’s the genius of it.  Nolan crafts all these different layers of dreams and realities and making the audience question certain things, but if you’re paying attention it’s rather easy to follow.  Credit should also be given to editor Lee Smith as he’s able to put all the pieces to this puzzle together in perfect order. 

The ensemble cast led by Leonardo DiCaprio are also a standout here.  Some are going to find similarities to DiCaprio’s character in Shutter Island as the guilt ridden family man, who is haunted by his past, but Leo is so captivating in everything he does that nobody is really going to care.  I continue to believe that he is the best actor of this generation.  Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Tom Hardy are going to be stars after this.  These guys bring all those action sequences to life and inject the film with a little comic bantering back and forth.  They are two cool dudes.  Marion Cotillard continues to look as beautiful as ever and plays a haunting femme fatale here.  Even Ellen Page, who normally irritates me, since I can only see her in Juno spouting off quirky lines, holds her own here and is basically the audience’s guide and asks all the questions that we want to ask.

I was two years old when Blade Runner came out back in 1982.  I didn’t see that movie until well after the many different versions and the director’s cut and so on.  But when I finally sat down and watched it and understood it, I learned to appreciate it, and now I consider it a sci-fi classic.  My son is just about two years old now.  I have a feeling that when he reaches the age to watch Inception and fully understands it, that he will have the same appreciation that I have for Blade Runner.  I’m also going to predict that a lot of other folks and film historians are going to feel that way about Inception in 25 years as well. 

Christopher Nolan should no doubt be put on the list with some of the greatest directors of all time and the guy has only made 7 movies.  I simply cannot wait to see what he comes up with next.  Move over Mr. Spielberg, step aside Mr. Cameron…there is a new sheriff in town.

"You're still one ugly muthaf***a!"

I wanted to love this movie, I really did. And for the first 45 minutes or so, I did. A good setup, followed by some tension building, with some decent action thrown in. But ultimately, Predators is dragged down by too many plot holes and left me asking too many questions.

I am a huge fan of the original Predator and still consider it one of the best action movies of it’s day. It was and still is a total guy’s movie and who can forget classic lines like “Get to da choppa!” and “I ain’t got time to bleed.” There was barely enough testosterone to go around. I’ve also always found it funny that it featured two men who would later go on to be the heads of two states in our union, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jesse Ventura. It’s too bad that Carl Weathers didn’t go into politics.

Enter in Robert Rodriguez, who wrote a rough draft for a sequel to that classic original almost 20 years ago. It’s too bad that he didn’t follow up with directing duties on Predators; instead we’ll have to settle for his name attached to it as producer and deal with a guy named Nimrod. Hey, let’s give Mr. Antal credit for at least making it through high school with that name. I’ll also give him some credit for the set pieces found in Predators,as well as the initial setup and tension building I mentioned. As the story begins we find Adrien Brody free falling in the air as if he was just dropped out of an airplane. Lucky for him, he wakes up and realizes he needs to open the parachute that he is wearing. Once he hits the ground he meets up with a bunch of other people who fell from the sky. Where did they come from? How did they just wake up in mid air? Don’t hold your breath for the answer to that, cause you’re not going to get one.

Either way, we are told that this group is a collection of the biggest, meanest, badasses around. We have the black ops mercenary, an Israeli sniper, a Japanese Yakuza, a death row inmate, an African warlord, etc. After the initial WTF moment of where are we and how did we get here and each of them pointing their guns at one another, they realize they have been dropped into a game preserve and they are the game. And as we all know, the predators are the ones who are hunting them. That’s it, that’s the setup. And yes, for some mindless action movie fun, I can buy it. It’s too bad the movie didn’t take off like I wished it had. Instead it falls down the typical path of poorly executed action movies in that it doesn’t bother to answer any questions for the audience. Which is unfortunate because Rodriguez and Antal could have been on to something here. How about a little character development? Maybe a quick flashback sequence of each character showing why they are badass killers. Let us get a feel for the people we are supposed to be rooting for. Or maybe that was the intention, that we are supposed to be rooting for the predators to take down these killers. Let me say this though, because I know you are all thinking it. Adrien Brody as an action star? Is that possible? You’re all saying that you just can’t see him pulling it off. Guess what? He does pull it off and he pulls it off well. He is completely badass and is the best thing about the film.

In the end, Predators will appeal to fans and will at least be a watchable sequel to the classic original. So fans can rest easy and completely forget about Predator 2 and the Alien vs. Predator movies. I just wish the final half of the film was as good as the first half.

Did I mention Laurence Fishburne is in the movie? Don’t blink or you’ll miss him.

Round 3...

June 25th – 7:35am - Five days prior to release
I wake up in a panic.  My radio alarm goes off.  An advertisement for the new “Vampire Love Movie” is blasting in my ear.  I hate life.  Well my life anyway.  I still appreciate the lives of people in countries where this isn’t being released.

11:42am
I post on RawCritics.com looking for help.  I’m start my desperate search to get out of seeing this while remaining chivalrous.

June 29th – 4:38pm – Night before release
I check my post and see the first realistic suggestion: “Suggest a girl’s night out”.  Done.  This is in the bag.

4:51pm
My girlfriend asks me to go to Eclipse with her.

4:52pm
I consider breaking up with her.

4:54pm
I’m crying in the bathroom at work.  It could be the woman’s room.  I hope it’s the mens.  I told her yes.

June 30th – 7:42am – Apocalypse Wednesday
I’m sitting in bed.  I switch the alarm to the more pleasant buzzing sound.  Doesn’t matter.  I’m wondering to myself why this day wasn’t marked Black Wednesday on my calendar.

7:49am
While in the shower I realize it has only been 7 months and 8 days since I saw the last one.  Yes, a sequel in S-E-V-E-N months.  Is anyone aware of this?  Quality control guys?  Christ.  The Saw franchise doesn’t even birth shit this fast.

9:13am
I hear chants of “Team Edward” and “Team Jacob” at work.  It is really happening.  The end of the world is upon us.

9:14am
I remember from my last review of “New Moon” that I was a member of “Team Charlie”.  I have no idea who that is anymore.

2:43pm
My friend sends me this link of a local theater that a facebook friend of his was currently hanging out at. It scares the shit out of me.

4:45
She forgot about it. This may be the single greatest memory lapse in history.

5:01
Turns out she was just too tired. She didn’t feel like dealing with the twi-teens tonight. Neither do I. Ever. I kiss her forehead and thank her for saving my life.

July 1st – 8:01pm – End of the World +1
Normal morning. The world is still here. We still exist.

12:13pm
My girlfriend and I meet up at whole foods together at lunch. No mention of the unspeakable.

3:39pm
She sends me showtimes. Sharp pains go up my back and and through my arms. I feel like Shawnee Smith in Saw II when she is digging around in the hep needles.

3:42pm
A co-worker asks why I look so flushed. I tell her I have Ebola. It’s more acceptable than people knowing my plans tonight.

4:40pm
My girlfriend IMs me, telling me she is leaving for the movie and that I should meet her there for the 5:20pm showtime. I hate Yahoo Messenger. Uninstalled.

5:01pm
I’m walking out of my office. This is my last chance to live. I have a 25th hour fantasy of running away to Mexico and never turning back.

5:09pm
I arrive at the theater and notice that the parking lot is unusually empty. What the hell is going on? I thought this was the biggest thing since small pox?

5:11pm
I meet up with her in the lobby. There is no line like last time. There is no push for seats. It looks like a normal Thursday afternoon at the movies. I’ve never been so confused in my life.

5:14pm
We grab our seats. I have perfect front on positioning for the inevitable Jacob “ab” shots.

5:20pm
The lights are not dimming yet. The repeating first look trailers are getting annoying. I don’t really want to see Salt at all. I miss watching the 3 Doors Down/Citizen Soldier Ad for one of the military branches that used to always come up. I bet Navy Seal training is easier than sitting through this movie.

5:21pm
No Joke. A father walks his two 10-ish year old boys into the theater. Right behind them scampering down the isle, is his 4 year old daughter. They sit two rows in front of us.

5:22pm
I ask my girlfriend what this is rated. She tells me PG-13. I still feel weird about a 4 year old watching this.

5:23pm
Why won’t the movie start? It’s really starting to cut into my non-twilight time.

5:24pm
Lights go out. The Trailers start. I’m actually impressed by the trailer selection. We start off with a little Leo in Inception followed by the first trailer I saw for the new Narnia movie. I also got to see the first teaser for Paranormal Activity 2. Doesn’t look promising – looks too Hollywood already. It’s already not leaving stuff up to our imagination.

5:30pm
Movie starts. Some random dude I’ve never seen hardly gets scratched and is down on the ground screaming in pain. Who is he? Why is his pain threshold so low? I can’t wait to fit this puzzle together.

5:33pm
Bella and Edward are sitting in a field. Poetry and gentle touches set the mood…for everyone else in the theater.

5:47pm
Ah! Now I remember who Charlie is! The father! The only reasonable rational down to earth dude in the movie. I still like him right from the start.

6:01pm
Oh my Jesus. Doesn’t this guy ever wear a shirt? Seven cool points for Edward for saying the exact same thing in the movie. My girlfriend thinks it is equally ridiculous. I sense a revelation here.

6:21pm
Ahh. Silly border disputes. Vamps are chasin’ something. Can’t really tell. Alice is in an all black leather type of outfit. She looks good I admit.

6:26pm
Oh god. Bella tells Edward to trust her as she hops on the back of Jacob’s dirtbike. Off they go. WEEEE!

6:28pm
Yup. Jacob plants one on Bella after opening his heart to her. She punches him in the face and breaks her hand. Are wolves made of steel or something? I don’t get why he’s so “hard”. Someone please explain this to me because I won’t get around to reading the books.

6:31pm
Charlie tries to have the “talk” with his daughter. Pretty entertaining actually. I’m glad he found out his daughter is still a virgin. I’m rooting for him all the way.

6:33pm
I spoke too soon. Bella is trying to rape Edward. Edward is old school and won’t give in until they are married. I like it. What I don’t like is the father letting his 4 year old daughter watch these two rip clothes off each other 2 rows in front of me.

6:35pm
Edward asks Bella to marry him and whips out an old school ring. She says yes. I swear the same exact thing happened at the end of the last movie. Talk about trying to double dip on female’s emotions.

6:43pm
I remember that Dakota Fanning is in the movie. Still doesn’t look much like her to me. She’s getting older I guess.

6:59pm
Dramatic cut to all the Cullen folk standing in the woods. It’s game time. The big battle is upon us. Alice still looks good. I turn to my girlfriend and whisper “Hell yeah…here we go.”

7:00pm
I spoke too soon again. I have to wait for the most ridiculous plot device ever first.

7:01pm
So Bella left her blood all around the woods so the newborns would be led into the trap. Ok, I can buy that. Jacob picks up Bella and carries her into the mountains to mask her scent (because we all know werewolves stink really bad) and carry her to safety. Ok, I can buy that. He brings her 100 or so feet up the mountain to a highly protective bullet proof ultra titanium tent. Ok, I can buy that. A snowstorm comes out of nowhere for the sole purpose of making Bella cold. Bullsh*t.

7:02pm
My girlfriend and I exchange looks over the stupidity on the screen. My revelation becomes stronger.

7:03pm
The dramatic “I’m dead so I can’t provide Bella with the warmth she needs to stay alive in this super bad snowstorm” scene is upon us. Edward gives in and lets a naked Jacob get in the sleeping bag with her.

7:05pm
Jacob finds out Bella is marrying Edward. He gets pissed and walks away with Bella in pursuit. “Where are you going” she asks. He responds with “I don’t know, I gotta go kill something”. I want to nominate the writer of this for an Oscar. Immediately. They then kiss. Again. Reverse the genders and this would be primed for the Lifetime Channel.

7:07pm
Weird connection time. Edward says, “You still love him.” Bella says, “I love you more”. Edward says, “I know.” Call me crazy, but I like his position on the situation here.

7:10pm
Finally, the fight is here. Newborns are flying everywhere and they even throw in a couple iced over decapitations and limb removals. If anyone can explain why their limbs ice over when removed, please do. When it is over the Cullen’s end up sparing a little newborn girl.

7:11pm
I’m wondering what the 4 year old is thinking right now. Does she understand decapitations?

7:12pm
The head honcho vampires (Dakota Fanning’s crew) come in and kill the little girl. Wasn’t expecting that. Vampires actually acting like vampires…I can respect that.

7:19pm
Bella and Edward are sitting in the field again. Edward still hasn’t scored and I know the end is right around the corner. I seriously think he is about as anatomically correct as a Ken doll at this point.

7:20pm
Yup, the end is here. Its over, and I’m not as sick as I thought I would be. Weird.

7:22pm
While walking to the cars, my girlfriend says to me “I kinda like laughing at all the over the top scenes.”

7:23pm
My revelation is complete. This is no different than watching a cheesy horror film. I hug my girlfriend in relief. It is now about laughing at the bad with her. I will go see the last one with her as well and then the nightmare will be over.

Series
A Guys Review of New Moon

I wonder if he liked it...

Below is a guy’s real-time review of The Twilight Saga: New Moon:

9:36am
I just woke up on this beautiful Sunday morning. Such potential. What shall i do today?

9:37am
Nevermind, just realized I’ve been recruited to see New Moon today. Thank God my girlfriend elected to go to a 12:30 showing. Most teenage girls are still in church at that time aren’t they?

11:04 to 11:27am
I pack a snack. This consists of going to Dunkin’ Donuts only to find out my local branch has discontinued the pumpkin flavored coffee. An omen for sure. I get regular. My snack also includes the eighth of a sandwich I decided to not eat the night before.

11:34am
I start to take a late shower. I’m hoping to drown myself. Either that or maybe stay in here long enough to miss half the movie.

12:02pm
Just arrived at the theater. We are using the free tickets we received from AMC theater’s failed showing of The Fourth Kind a week or so ago. I immediately feel better about my life…

12:04pm
The ticket ripper tells us to wait at the end of a long line because the screen is broken. We walk to the end of the line. A ten year-old girl in front of us tells her friend and her mother, “I know EVERY line in this movie.” I immediately feel worse about my life…

12:05pm
If the screen stays broken, maybe we will get more free tickets. Stay positive.

12:06pm
I suddenly realize the little girl in front of us is full of crap. Through eavesdropping I find out that this is her first time seeing the movie, but yet she had already stated that she knew EVERY line in the movie. Can’t even begin to imagine the kind of attention she requires at home.

12:08pm
Line starts to move. They are letting people in. I feel like the scared gladiator that pissed himself in front of Russell Crowe right before they went out into the arena the first time. No, better yet, I feel like the solider that puked right in front of Tom Hanks right before my motherland dropped me off on the beaches of Normandy.

12:15pm
The movie is 15 minutes away and already I am bored. I whip out my homemade sandwich and start to shove it in my mouth by the pound.

12:18pm
Sandwich is gone and my coffee is only a quarter full. I start to get nervous. My girlfriend can sense it and tries to pre-empt any thoughts of supplementing my snack with a bag of popcorn.

12:21pm
I’m standing in line for popcorn. I think my girlfriend finally realizes I’m fat. I don’t bother looking at the prices after the concession chick asks me what I want. I look up. $7.50 for a large. $5.50 for a small. Take a wild guess what they are charging for a medium. The size of popcorn I get directly coincides with how much time I want to be distracted for during the movie. I do not notice her shirt.

12:23pm
I make my way back to my seat with my small popcorn. I guess I’m too cheap to suffer less.

12:26pm
There is a lady behind us that expresses her concern over the pre-movie features not having any sound. Her friend ensures her that they are always like that. She is full of it.

12:31pm
The trailers start without any sound. I laugh at the woman’s friend behind me. Internally of course. I recognize the fact that I am outnumbered.

12:38pm
I get my first taste of Robert Pattinson mania. A trailer comes on (I think it is for this movie) where he looks disheveled and broken down. All the females hold their breath. I think they are thinking they are watching a performance of a lifetime. I hope the movie has a sad ending.

12:52pm
My God is this mother f**ker pale. His “pale” makeup is so caked on. Normally I could suspend disbelief in favor of giving it a chance but I can see his tanned skin on his scalp under his hair.

1:01pm
I’ve been watching this for 14 minutes and there have been three different scenes already that the director felt the need to convey the pain and anguish that these two love birds are going through. Three, yes. That’s three different background changes.

1:14pm
Kristen Stewart falls off a dirtbike injuring herself. The females go crazy as Taylor Lautner rips off his shirt to dab her bloody forehead. Umm. None of the blood comes off as he is dabbing it? It is like she has a fruit rollup stuck to her forehead.

1:46pm
OMG. Did Sam just turn into a dog? Oh wait, they are supposed to be werewolves. I think An American Werewolf in Paris did a better job with transformations than this. Granted, hairy dogs are a heck of a thing to animate, especially with the fur, but we are treading backwards here guys.

1:52pm
Ok. I liked the interactions between Bella and Jacob and the rest of the werewolf crew after she finds out about them. I’m pretty sure this will be the highlight for me.

1:55pm
I decide that I have to go to the bathroom even though I don’t. I swear I hear someone in a stall cutting themselves because Bella is now with Jacob. Disturbing thing here is that I’m in the mens bathroom.

2:14pm
Who the hell is Alice and why does Bella keep trying to email her? I think some basic email training is in order for this girl. I would think she would know that an “Email Return Service Requested” means a bounce back? She needs to fall in love with an IT guy more than she needs Edward I think.

2:16pm
Ok. I’m a believer now. Kristen is the best self loathing actress out there. Most people who visually show themselves as this messed up inside usually end it by now. How she carries on I just don’t know. Oh wait, it’s fiction.

2:21pm
Nifty overhead shot of a bird flying in slow motion while the vampires race by underneath. I can appreciate the effort here.

2:24pm
Jacob gets pissed and waits before Bella holds him back before screaming “Don’t make me angry” to Edward’s sister Alice. Pretty good line in retrospect. He can, after all, transform into an angry monster.

2:30pm
My butt is really starting to hurt. I’m on my eighth weight shift and it just isn’t cutting it anymore.

2:34pm
I wish I could get to Italy that fast.

2:35pm
By now I’ve noticed that my girlfriend hasn’t once reached out to hold my hand during this film. I’m really starting to worry that she actually likes this.

2:38pm
I can’t help but think that if I were a female, I would be feeling something right now as Bella crashed into Edward, preventing him from showing himself to the humans. How I long for an action sequence. I laugh internally for the second time today.

2:40pm
Oh yeah! Here we go. The vampires are gonna fight. This is what I’ve been waiting for.

2:43pm
A couple of stairs break. I am defeated.

2:47pm
I just heard Edward say, “I don’t know how to live without you” for the 32nd time. No one could possibly be this attached in real life.

2:49pm
A collective gasp is released by the entire female population of our audience, as Edward asks Bella to marry him. I just decided that free was too much to pay for this experience.

2:50pm
We get up and leave the theater. It is the highlight of my life.

2:51pm
My girlfriend tells me that she has joined Team Jacob. I pretended to understand but had no clue what she was talking about until we passed by the concession chick wearing a Team Edward shirt. It makes sense now, get it? You join the team of the alpha male you want to win over Bella in the end…get it? Haha…ugh. I’m the inaugural member of Team Charlie. He made me smile a couple times.

2:53pm
I hear little girls talking about how good Dakota Fanning was in this. Dakota Fanning really? I didn’t even see her in it? I will be upset if I get home and IMDB her character and find out she was only in it for two minutes. Actually I won’t. This is how people get sucked into this drama in the first place.

3:05pm
My girlfriend asks me in the car, “So, how did you like it?” I’m now officially at a cross roads. I’ve never lied to her before, but I really don’t want to rain on her parade. “I like Charlie,” I said.